Ridding in the Little Red Wagon

So Jared began receiving in home speech and education services in our home, and I continued to think that this was all going to be something that would soon "be fixed".

But it wasn't.

Each week, we opened out door to the "professionals" and each week we spent 30 minutes to an hour trying to keep Jared in the same room as they were.

Life was exhausting!

I talked again to our pediatrician and this time he sent us out of town.
So one Tuesday... Troy, Jared and I loaded into the car and drove to Charlottesville, VA to the Kluge Center.  (Brett was able to stay with family that day).
We had waited months for our appointment with a developmental pediatrician at Kluge and I was strangely looking forward to seeing what you had to say.

Little did I know how much that day would change my life.

Kluge was a fabulous place.  Jared loved it!  They had an indoor playground in the waiting room - and I am not talking about a McDonald's or Chic Fil A type place.... I mean a full playground INSIDE!  When we went back to visit with the doctor, the nurse let Jared ride back in a red Little Tikes wagon.  He was all smiles!

So far so good!

We spent several hours answering questions, talking and watching the doctor work with Jared on all sorts of little tasks.  Then the nurse came and got Jared and took him for another ride in the little red wagon, so that the doctor could talk to us.

And then it happened .... she said those words that changed my life...

"Your son has autism" she explained.

Autism, wait... the other doctor said it was this PDD-NOS thing, so he doesn't have autism.

And slowly and gently and the doctor continued explaining this thing called AUTISM to us.

And life stood still....

It was like I was watching this happen on a movie or tv show....this couldn't be my life.  Someone is going to pop out with a hidden camera or something, right?

The words the doctor spoke, began echoing in my head....  I heard....

       autism

       forever

       never

       lifelong.

And I felt as if the walls were closing in.

"Do you have any questions," she ended with.

"Are you kidding?" I thought to myself.  "Do I have any questions, of course I have questions.  I have tons of questions.  I want to know WHY.  I want to know HOW this happened.  I want to know who you think you are lady!"
All of these things I screamed in my head - as I couldn't speak at all.

I just shook my head NO.  We walked out and picked up Jared from out of the little red wagon. 

I hated that little red wagon.  I should have never let him get in it.

I held him tightly.  He loved it when I did that.

Surely this doctor doesn't know what she is talking about.  He can't have autism.

We didn't speak to each other all the way home.

Deep down, we both knew the doctor was right.

As we rode in the car on the way back home from Charlottesville, I just kept hearing the words of the doctor echo over and over again in my head.

And life got very dark.